Balrog Slayer’s Log – Ardadate 495.6
Traveling at warp speed five, my misfit crew and I have just left the pull of the planet Doriath. We head now for the Gondolindrian system, unaware of what strange new life awaits us there.
“Keptin on the bridge!” announces Lt. Rumil as the fearless Captain Glorfindel of the U.S.S. Elfterprise marches suavely into the main control room of his starship.
“Mr. Elrond, what sort of readings are you getting from space?” Captain Glorfindel asks, looking into the view screen where billions and billions of pinpoints of light can be seen.
Science officer Elrond crosses the room and says in a very calm voice, “So far, the readings are sparse. I could guess, but guessing would be highly… illogical...” he informs him, giving him a one-eyebrow salute.
“Excellent. We are experiencing the unknown. I love it! Computer?”
“Yes?” asks a disembodied voice coming from the dashboard that sounds an awful lot like Galadriel, Lady of Light.
“Fire all weapons. Let’s see if we can hit something.” Captain Glorfindel plops down in the captain’s chair as everyone swivels in theirs to give him a very concerned look.
“Uh, captain?” The voice of concern is from Lt. Galadriel, sitting at the communication console, and sounding an awful lot like the ship’s computer. “I hate to question your judgment, but if we fire all weapons, that would leave us with nothing in case of an enemy attack.”
“Not to mention the discharge of those weapons could send us careening into space, into uncharted territory,” says Mr. Elrond. “We might... boldly go... where no one has gone before...”
Captain Glorfindel stares at all of them in turn and then says, “I’m sorry- is this the right ship? Are we on the Elfterprise, or did I end up on some little science vessel? Is this an Aqualondën Cargo Ship? Are we a bunch of scared little Telerin traders just trying to make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs?”
“Firing all weapons,” the computer voice announces promptly after Lt. Galadriel turns back around.
“Alright! Firing all the weapons!”
Turning around very slowly, Captain Glorfindel regards the two identical dark-haired adolescent elves standing in the back of the bridge wearing modernized ensign uniforms. “First, there was only one Wesley Crusher- thank Eru,” announces Glorfindel to Elladan and Elrohir. “And second- he wasn’t on this series.” Making a dismissive motion with his hand, he waits for them to leave and then sighs. Leaning toward Mr. Elrond, he says, “Next thing you know, we’ll have Klingons on the starboard bow and-“
A violent rocking of the ship causes everyone on board to jostle unexpectedly in their seats. Mr. Elrond is barely able to keep his footing. “Lt. Galadriel, get me Mr. Gim on the intercom,” demands Glorfindel, standing up as the shaking stops. Lt. Galadriel motions to him, and the Captain calls out, “Gimli, what’s going on down there?”
“I can’n’t say, C’pn,” responds the voice of the chief engineer. “Ah’ve been tryin’ an’ tryin’, but I can’n’t change the laws of physics, C’pn! That massive discharge of weapons has nearly destroyed the warp core. I’ve given her more pow’r, C’pn, but if I giv’er anymore she’ll blow!”
“Did anyone get any of that?” questions Glorfindel to the rest of the crew. Mr. Elrond merely does the eyebrow thing again. “Well... just keep working on that, Gimli. Oh, before you get back to whatever it is you’re doing, could you do me a favor?”
“Sure, C’pn,” says Mr. Gim with dedication in his voice, and the slight scent of scotch on his breath. “What can’I do fer you?”
“Gimli... beam me up.”
There is a pause, and then Mr. Gim answers in confusion, “You, ahm, you’re already up C’pn. There’s... no where t’beam you to.”
“That was... quick,” says Captain Glorfindel in a commending voice. “Good job. Keep working on that warp thingie. Fin out.” As soon as the communication link is broken, Glorfindel wipes his brow. “Whew. This is harder work than I thought,” he mumbles to himself as the doors to the bridge magically slide open. The elf who is walking through seems slightly startled by this, but keeps on walking. “Bones McErestor, I was wondering when you might stop up and give me a medical report.”
“Oh, you were, were you?” The gruff, disgruntled voice of the doctor immediately silenced all other noise in the room, except of course those neat and nifty little computer noises that are always being heard. “How about this for a medical report – your weapons discharge and the subsequent shifting of the ship caused a number of crewmembers to be thrown into walls or other dangerous objects and now my sickbay is full!”
“That’s terrible news,” says Glorfindel.
“Aye, it most certainly is. On top of that,” continues McErestor, “I passed the engine room on the way and it is utter chaos- do you know, I think our engineer is drunk. I knew we should never have let those dwarves aboard.”
“Hmmm.” Glorfindel frowns. “Well, on your way back to sickbay, do you think you could stop by the engine room and give Gimli a hand with his warp doohickey?”
“Dammit, Fin, I’m a doctor, not a... actually,” says Erestor, crossing his arms, “I’m NOT a doctor. If anything, he should be the doctor, and I should be the science officer,” he argues, nodding in the direction of Mr. Elrond.
Mr. Elrond nods. “That would be the most logical idea,” he agrees.
“Gentlemen... I-“ A sudden buzzing and blinking catches everyone’s attention. Glorfindel races back to his chair, punching buttons and generally trying to look important. “Lt. Rumil, what is it?”
“I’m not sure, keptin,” he says, adjusting the image on the view screen. “It’s wery, wery, big,” he says as he continues to adjust the image.
“Mr. Elrond, your report?” Captain Glorfindel gives an intense look to the distorted image on the screen.
“It’s life, Fin, but not as we know it,” explains Mr. Elrond warily. “I fear to tell you what it is.”
“Well, man, what is it?” he demands.
Sitting in the navigation seat, Commander Legolas looks up, his eyes wide in fear. “It’s... it’s...”
“What is it, Mr. Legolas?”
“A... a Balrog... of Morgoth...” he replies, cowering.
“Oh, is that all?” Captain Glorfindel stands up. “Alright, I need Mr. Elrond, Mr. McErestor, and three or four guys in red shirts whose names I’m not familiar with...”
Placing his hand on the captain’s shoulder, the doctor says, “It’s worse than that- it’s dead, Fin.”
“What? Why, that’s great news!” Captain Glorfindel sits back down in his seat. “We can just go around it, then.”
“Uh, Captain Glorfindel?” Lt. Galadriel gives him a worried look. “Message from Gimli- he says we’ve lost all power to the engines. We’re adrift in space until they come online.”
“Keptin?” Lt. Rumil minimizes the viewer image and cringes. “Ve’re heading right into the dead balrog’s open mouth.”
“Is there... anything... we can do... to... avoid it?” questions Glorfindel, staring even more intensely at the screen.
McErestor raises his hand. “I have an idea. Let’s just shoot our way through- oh! That’s right, someone discharged all the weapons. Wonder whose idea that was. Probably the same sort of elf who would say, gee, let’s toss the ring of doom into a vast body of water and hope no one ever finds it.”
Captain Glorfindel glares at McErestor and says, “Go back to sickbay and play with your tricorder. In fact, just a moment, I’ll have Gimli beam you back down.”
“No, thank you, I shall walk,” says the doctor brusquely, exiting the room just as an odd beeping noise is heard from the communication console.
“Lt. Galadriel, are we being hailed?” questions Glorfindel as he observes the intent look on her face.
“Nay, I mean, no, Captain... it’s... Peter Jackson...”
“Oh, you mean the guy who cut me out of the last movie,” snorts Glorfindel. “What does he want?”
“He says we need to get back to the set of ‘The Hobbit’ because they need to do another scene with the extras and to please stop goofing around on the set for ‘StarTrek Nineteen: Kirk Returns... Again’. Hailing frequencies are open, Captain, what would you like me to tell him?” Galadriel waits patiently for the response as Glorfindel strums his fingers on the captain’s chair.
“Fin, not to ruin your little ‘adventure’,” says Elrond, “but I have a fairly big role in ‘The Hobbit’ and I really do not want to blow it.”
“Fine. Lt. Galadriel, tell Captain Jackson of the U.S.S. New Zealand that we will be right over and that we come in peace.” In a quieter voice, he tells the rest of the crew, “Set phasers to kill, everyone, we cannot leave the ship unarmed.”
“Glorfindel,” pleads Elrond in a somewhat warning voice.
Glorfindel waves his hand and taps something on his own weapon. “I was just kidding. Phasers to stun.” Elrond rolls his eyes and leaves the ‘bridge’, and only after this does Glorfindel reprogram his phaser. “Shoot to kill,” he chuckles to himself and then rather loudly calls out, “Gimli, beam me up!”